January 6, 2012 - Ankara
I’m reading a biography of Maria Callas.

January 7
I bought a book about the relationship of Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera.
I ate some of mom’s apple tart.

January 8
I exercised. Mom said she cried a bit in the morning. She feels sad about grandma’s illness.

January 28
Damn, mom’s uncle passed away out of nowhere. He died of a heart attack while attending a funeral. He was such a sweet man, I’m really sad about it. I remember how he once dropped me at the bus terminal in Ordu, how caring and kind he was.
I’m just reading in my room. Mom and dad are heading to Ordu for the funeral. Ceren is still in Europe.
I really shouldn’t take life for granted. Neither mine nor the life of my loved ones.

February 15, 2012
I’m spending some nights of the week at the dormitory of METU.
My roommate is a Polish guy named P. He studies computer engineering, he’s tall, blond, muscly; so he makes me nervous.
I get so shy talking to him.
Then one night he came to our room around midnight and made a bit of noise, saw me moving in bed and said “Sorry.” I told him it’s fine. He asked if it’s okay if he still reads a bit. I said I was gonna read a bit too. So we began reading quietly with our bedlights on, in our beds that face each other. At one point he got one naked leg out of his blanket and extended it comfortably to the side a bit. I tried not to look, but I felt my heart racing. I dared only a quick glance, and saw the shadows of his soft hair on his leg, glinting lightly under the warm light. He then asked me where in Turkey I’m originally from. I said from the northern coast, the Black Sea. He said “Ah that’s maybe why you’re so tall.” I said I don’t know, maybe, then added that my mom’s grandpa was pretty tall too. He then said “My sister finds Turkish men very hot. And you are too, man, you’re pretty good looking.” I said thank you, you are too.
It was near impossible to focus on my book after this exchange (was reading Engin Geçtan’s Hayat.)
Anyway. I went for a swim in the morning, then took a shower, and P. was already gone.

February 29
I’m in the dormitory. P. is staying somewhere else lately, so I have the room to myself. And what do I do with that? I just read. I also go for runs and swim. I’m also composing a new song.

March 6
Last night I impulsively went to the bus terminal and traveled to Ordu. Arrived at my grandpa’s in the morning. Showered, had breakfast and slept. In the afternoon I went to the town center, at the bookstore talked a bit with Banu and walked around the streets. Got some bread and went back home. I told grandpa about my plans for the future; about writing, making films, some music. He always believes in the things I say I will do. His encouragement is so vital to me. I told him I love his library, he said all of them will be mine after he dies. Tomorrow we will organise his bookcase together. He also said he always loved Semiha Berksoy as an artist.

March 26
Today my teacher Prof. Ayşen told me that she reads my blog, loves the photos I make with my kaleidoscope, and she feels like I came from the outer space, that I somehow don’t belong to this earth.

In my dreams, I always see grandma as if she healed.

April 3
Last night Berrak’s mom looked at my birth chart and said that I will speak to broad audiences with my work.
All I want is to create beautiful things all my life.

April 26
Yesterday Nihan and I went to a fortuneteller, her name was Y. She guessed correctly that I have a younger sister, and said we both are good people. She said my mom is traveling right now, and my mom is indeed in Ordu. She said you have a brilliant mother, and I agree. “But a teardrop will fall for her.” she said; perhaps it’s the approaching death of my grandmother. She said the risks I took in 2011 were good for my path. Said there will be a journey on a plane in a few years that will take me away from my life here in Turkey. “I see a good life. I read fortunes for 30 years, people come specifically for me from other cities, but I have never seen a man with such a bright life-path as you have. You are victorious. Big life, big art.” She told me I’d have a son and a daughter. She then said “Both you and your mother are clairvoyants. You can see the future.”

May 29
Grandma died yesterday afternoon.
We are in Ordu now. Today is the funeral.
It’s also my birthday.
Her sister Fatma put rose petals around my grandmother’s head.
Mom didn’t want to enter the room with all the people in it. I kindly asked all the neighbors and relatives to leave the room so that my mom, aunt, and uncle can have a private moment with their mother. No one budged! Then I raised my voice with a bit of anger and asked them to GET OUT.
Mom hugged me and cried.
Everything was so sad. Everyone was crying.
I hugged grandpa.
He has such a high pitched voice today. I never heard him speak like that. Like something happened to his voice.
We buried grandma. I put some earth in her grave too.
Then we got back home, and I blew some candles on a cake.
I’m 20 now.

May 31
My parents, aunt, uncle, they are doing the bureaucratic stuff after a death.
Ceren and I stayed home. I was laying on the couch and she read for me a bit. Then we visited grandma’s grave. It was raining. Back home Ceren showered, I sat in the balcony and watched the rain. We played some card games.

June 9
My childhood friend D. attempted to kill herself today. She is now at the hospital.
We were together yesterday. She had a fight with her boyfriend, and she cried. She then asked me if she’d die if she would drink some bleach. I rolled my eyes. She then said “Won’t you help me? Would I die if I drink a bottle of it?”
Yes you stupid bitch, you would.

August 25
I’m reading Maya Angelou.
Sıla brought me a beautiful ceramic wine cup from Cappadoccia.