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September 2, 2012
With the fullmoon of September 2, 2012, I moved to Istanbul.
September 14
I called Sıla yesterday. Sometimes I doubt my decision of moving to Istanbul. Ankara was just so comfortable for me. The beautiful campus of METU, the friends I have there, the cafes and restaurants we frequented. My favorite bookstores. Just everything was good for me. But I somehow felt an irresistible urge to move here, I don’t know why. It’s like, the bigger trajectory of my life was calling me to do this right now. I miss my family though.
September 28
Sıla and I just got back from our trip to Bulgaria.
October 2
I had a hookup today. Although I’m not sure if it would count as an actual hookup, but anyway. It was exciting and scary, but also fun, and it felt fine. He had wine and smoked, I didn't. I also didn’t stay long afterwards. Back home I showered, and Görkem’s aunt cooked for us. I pulled a tarot card and fell asleep. There was noise from football hooligans outside.
October 14
I’m still publishing the zine where I gather poems and stories from my friends. Now it’s based in Istanbul. We made 50 copies of the new issue. Distributing it to the bookstores in the center.
November 3
I was at Roxane for a halloween party. The terrace was cold but was fun. But damn, both Se. and Sa. wanted me to go home with them after the party, and I was absolutely flabbergasted at how openly they rivaled each other in convincing me. They aren’t even friends! Like it’s not even a joke. I tried to convince a girl I met that night to spend the night with us too, because I felt tense about their insistence. And then I saw M. at the party and immediately noticed that he was the one I wanted to go home with tonight. We only had a short chat, and he told me not to go anywhere, but then he himself disappeared! And I didn’t see him for the rest of the night. Anyway, I ended up staying at the campus of METU with Sa. In the morning it was raining. I got back home early and took a good shower. Nihan came by and we had some nice food. She told me about the guy she likes now.
November 11
I've been reading a lot of Halil Gibran lately. Also working on my novel nonstop.
In my dreams I still see grandma healthy and alive. We talk so nicely. I told her: Grandma, you’re so pretty! You’re so alive!
Btw, I love the film Cloud Atlas. I've already seen it a few times. I might write about it a bit at some point.
November 30, 2012
I'm thinking of my grandmother, and I love her so much, all the time, again and again, so much. She is still with me. This feeling proves to me that death is not the end of it all.
What did it mean that we buried her on my birthday?
I don’t know the name of my debut novel yet, but I know to whom I’ll dedicate it.
December 7, 2012
Working on my novel a lot these days. I aim to be done with the first draft by late January.
I might go to Vienna in February to try the exam of the art school there. I’ll need to dedicate some time to complete my portfolio.
Görkem’s mother is so sweet. She sees me work hard on the computer and brings me dinner on a tray: soup, salad, toasted bread, chocolate pudding.
December 12, 2012
Tried to register at the municipality but apparently needed to go with Görkem for that.
After Nihan left, I put on some piano music and slept a bit.
On Saturday we were in Taksim with Sıla. Then Kadıköy. I like the architecture of the bar. We ran into Nihan’s cousin C. and her two friends Hannes and Keno. We joined them and had dinner together back in Taksim, then went to a bar. Sıla and I danced, one by one the others as well. As he hugged me goodbye, Hans said: “I’ve learned a lot from you today.” I asked him what. “How to live life, how to love life.”
Sıla, Nihan and I slept in my bed cozy together.
I’ve been a bit lazy with the novel lately. Gotta get back to the desk soon.
December 20, 2012
I felt so good all day today. Was a great day. I feel super happy and grateful.
December 21, 2012
I woke up to the first snow of the winter. Prepared breakfast, enjoyed it with some music. I slept a little longer.
I worked really well on the novel today. Nihan and Görkem’s classes were cancelled due to snow, so we will have a cozy day at home together. Nihan said she might try to come to Vienna with me. I’ve been working on my portfolio.
January 25, 2013
The Turkish poet C.O. agreed to give me feedback on my novel's first draft. He’s reading the manuscript these days.
Sıla gave me a notebook she’s been keeping since July. In it she mentions that she never forgot how on a random day in highschool I asked her what colour she was that day.
She has brilliant drawings in the notebook. She wrote that she associates me with the Pearl Jam song “Off He Goes”.
Mom is traveling to Europe today.
22:15
I am completely shaken by the news of A.F.’s death.
Aslı told me. I spoke to others too. I don’t feel well enough to write more now. I don’t know what to do.
00:37
Sıla and I are on the phone, talking about A.F. and trying to make sense of what happened.
02:11
Mom is flying to Amsterdam in a bit. I don't want her to know what happened. I had to put on a joyful voice and act happy on the phone.
02:41
I can’t think of anything but A.F.
04:10
I can’t stop thinking about A.F.
January 26, 2013
On our last phone call I told him about the novel. He wanted to hear the entire story from the beginning to the end. He was excited, he told me he loved me, that he missed me a lot. We talked about the strange trajectory of our friendship.
Those mornings when we'd ditch school, head back to my place, put the Best of Cranberries on my CD player, light an incense. We’d do puzzles, order pizza, cuddle and kiss in my bed. “Something has left my life and I don’t know where it went to.”
I called dad to say I’m coming to Ankara soon. He was very happy about it.
The last time we met in person, A.F. had told me about the house he wanted to build in the future. On a cliff-side. All the furniture, the entire architecture, the accessories and details, he was meticulous in his dreaming. He then said he wanted to live there with me. It was June I think. I said why not!
He jumped from a window on the second floor of his house. His father witnessed it but couldn’t stop him.
He wrote on 18 January: "There is no such thing as coincidence!"
We entered 2010 together. He was sleeping in our living room. The next morning he came into my room quietly, then into my bed, and we cuddled, keeping each other warm. I told him he kisses like a spider.
He loved making models of war planes and ships.
During those boring geometry classes in highschool I’d lay my head on the table and he’d caress my hair.
A.F.
How I love you.
January 27, 2013
I read our old chats. He said: “If I ever go crazy, the first and the last thing I’ll do will be jumping off a window.” And later when he talked about an intense argument with his mother, he said: “For a moment I even thought I’d jump out the window!”
Why?
I wish I had a chance to stop you. I wish I knew the slightest. I'd keep you away from all the windows in the world.
I always loved windows.
I imagine him next to me. It feels so real. I imagine hugging him. It feels hollow in my chest.
I remember his cute clumsiness. How he’d laugh and be embarrassed and cover his face with his hands, with a sharp breath he’d quickly inhale. The tone of his voice mixed with laughter.
Did he really mean to die when he jumped?
We wanted to see Iceland together. All the travels we were dreaming of together!
He loved cracking my knuckles.
How am I supposed to go to Iceland now?
A letter he wrote to me two years ago:
“Mayıs, think of me every time you remember that poem; you know which one. Remember, how we never let each other go, that we always loved each other. Remember the night we shared our feelings for each other. The new year’s eve, the puzzles, pizzas, movies, how I cracked your knuckles. Remember me, always, always remember me. Remember our love. And imagine the days we’ll spend together. Glorious days! Start dreaming about those days now. I’m sure they are not far away. I love you Mayıs! I always have and I always will. Remember those first days when you transferred to our school? I never thought we’d be so close. You felt out of reach, out of my league, I was even a bit annoyed. But all that we’ve been through since then! And all that will happen. Do you know what I missed the most? Those days we watched films while eating pizza together, those moments just the two of us. Those mornings of ditching school and sleeping in your bed. Playing Captain Claw, frying halloumi cheese, and your half-cooked schnitzels. All those hours of just being with you. I missed you! You calm me down, you make me feel at ease, like everything in life is okay, it's all fine. I miss our possible futures. All the new films we’ll see, the breakfasts we haven’t had yet, pizzas we haven’t ordered yet. I missed it all. May life always be with you, with me, together. -A.F."
The poet C.O. shared his feedback on my novel’s first draft:
“Hi. I am still reading the manuscript. But let me already tell you now: you possess the prospects of becoming an incredible writer, note this down somewhere. The more I read, the more I enjoy. I’m very serious; you have an exceptionally masterful cadence. There is one other writer in Turkish literature who has this calibre of musicality, and that is Hasan Ali Toptaş. They say he is the only other Turk who could get a Nobel prize after Orhan Pamuk. Maybe you read his work already, I’m not sure. I know him from Ankara. His first novella is signed in my bookcase, from 1987. I wrote a critique on his novel Bin Hüzünlü Yaz a few years ago. Anyway, in other words: you possess the kind of light he does too. I don’t know where you came from, how you developed yourself this much at such a young age, but I believe you will have a wonderful future in literature. All my love, C.O.”
14:33
My childhood fears return. I can’t sleep in the dark now. I watch films until I fall asleep.
January 28, 2013
On our last phone call he asked me:
"Mayıs, even though we don’t call or talk much anymore, you’re not mad at me right?"
I said of course not!
The days that followed I had sent him messages he didn't respond to. I don’t know what he was up to those days.
On November 3: Thank you for always sharing with me the big news of your life A.F., it makes me feel close to you.
On November 14: Hey! How’s it going A.F.? Are you coming to Istanbul?
Again on November 17: Is it your exam week now? If so, why don’t you come to Istanbul after you’re done with them? Stay over a few days.
At 04:08 the next morning: I missed you a lot!
November 19: Hey A.F., I messaged you a few times but got worried when you didn’t respond. I called but your phone is always off. Did you change your number? Can you reach me when you read this please?
A.F. finally said: I’ll message you Mayıs. A lot happened to me. But these are not things to talk over the phone, I will tell you in person :)
I wrote: Then come to Istanbul right now. In my last messages I said I missed you and that you should come here right now. Don't leave me in the dark please, I'm worried about you. I want you with me right now. Let me know if you have the money to get a ticket, otherwise I’ll get you one.
A.F. said: I don’t have my phone anymore. Things got so intense over here. I will do my best to meet you soon and tell you all about it. I love you.
A.F. you had such beautiful eyes. Long, looong eyelashes.
You’d understand everything in an instant.
I don’t get it. I wish I did. I wish I could figure this out; this entire puzzle, and I wish the reward would be that they’d give you back to me.
13:23
Sıla saw A.F. in her dream. He had fallen off the 8th floor of a building. Sıla got angry, and asked him why he jumped. A.F. said he was very confused. Sıla then said: Then call Mayıs immediately! A.F. said he will message me, but Sıla said it is important that we call Mayıs now. And just when they would reach me, the dream ended.
January 31, 2013
A.F.’s existence as a movement is over.
He did this, went there, oh and he missed you, he’s got the flu now but will get better, he got a job there and there, so he moved to this and that city for a while. Remember he was dating this person? They are getting married soon. He is having a baby, he is a father now! And he wants to visit you with the kid.
No more of any of that. I’ll never receive such news from him again. He won’t be next to me, with his body, with his heartbeat that I could hear when I’d lay my head on his chest, the heat of his body I'd feel when I touched his hands, the tiny breeze of his breath out of his nostrils, his words, his laughter. His gray cardigan, his school trousers, brown coat, his earrings and stuff... Thinking of them makes my stomach curl. A new understanding of death is developing within me. I can’t put it into words yet.
Visiting Ankara soon. I’ll do the second revision of my novel there.
I want to live.
February 2, 2013
I called A.F.’s father.
I was so nervous before the call, but it was a good talk.
He said they are moving out of that house. They were packing up during my call. Next week they’ll be in their new house already.
He accepted our wish to visit them. Wednesday I’ll call him and arrange a date. I don’t know what to expect from this visit. I don’t even know if seeing friends of A.F. will be good for them.
February 8, 2013
In my dream we were standing in front of a fridge, we both were eating red paprika, with tiny tiny bites. He suddenly bit the heart of the paprika, and it began to bleed from the side of his mouth. He said “Ah, I got a bad paprika.”
We visited A.F.’s family.
They were still in shock, trying to make sense of their immense loss. They asked me about the last time I spoke with him. I told them about our phone call. They asked whether he said anything strange during our talk.
The night he did it, he smiled after a long time, and wished them a good night. Soon after, they heard the noise of him falling on the ground. There was a note in his pocket: "I’m leaving, and I am at peace."
Our literature teacher told his parents: "We came here to remind you of the A.F. that's in our memories."
After everyone left the room, his mom and I hugged each other tight, for minutes and minutes and minutes. I couldn't let go.
His father had a knot in his throat. He said “He never called you just Mayıs. He always said my Mayıs. You meant so much to him.”
February 19, 2013
I saw him in a dream. They made me pass some obstacles and tests, and I managed, so they gave him back to me.
He was shorter though, and looked so skinny. I was so happy to take him home. Mom and dad were so happy too, seeing how I brought him back to life. They said we need to take him to his family immediately.
Then I found myself laying on my side on a bed with him, and just chatting. Then he got a bit strange, and said things that didn’t make sense. I shook him by his shoulders and said: “You’re not making sense! You’re not well! You need to accept the treatment! Please A.F., don't be stubborn! Do it for us!” And he said “You are right.”
Then I appeared in his family home in a room, and he was a baby, crawling on the floor. There was a massive window in the room that looked over the sea. I went to the living room, my parents were sitting with his parents. Then I watched him climb onto the window sill, walk to the sea and into the foams of the waves and he disappeared.
I always light a candle for him.
I miss him especially more when other people are not being very nice.
I look at his photos a lot.
Our literature teacher S.C. told me, she made her phone’s ringtone for my calls Yumeji’s Theme from In the Mood for Love.
April 20, 2013
I met T.Y.
Artist, photographer. His father is Turkish and mother is German. He asked me to model for his photography project in Istanbul. He said his favorite photographer is Anders Petersen. I told him about the Anders Petersen prints I have in my room in Ankara. We had lunch together in Parsifal. I feel such strong kinship with people who create things.
I still think about my grandma and A.F. all the time.
April 23, 2013
T.Y. came over to take my photos in my room. I offered him some of the cake I baked for him. But I was so shy!!!!! Anyway. I hope he'll be happy with the photos he made of me. I was posing shirtless in my bed.
May 8, 2013
Try harder not to judge others.
Try harder not to judge others.
Try harder not to judge others.
Try harder not to judge others.
Even if you notice your judgement arise, try to keep a non-judgemental face.
Don’t let your judgements hurt the people you love.
You are not the source of ultimate truth and the utmost right way of doing things.
If you really want to judge someone, judge yourself.
Try harder not to judge others.
May 13, 2013
I’m seeing K. lately. He is much older, his girlfriend lives in Portugal, and they occasionally meet back here in Istanbul.
We had dinner tonight. Then had tea at a cafe nearby. I insist on paying my stuff but he doesn’t let me, and I feel strange. Anyway. He and his gf will get married end of next January. His family knows nothing about it. Even his brother, with whom he shares a flat.
K. gets uncomfortable when I quietly listen, like many others.
I don’t disengage when I'm quiet, I just like to listen, and I am a quiet and calm person in general.
He gave me his cardigan when I felt cold.
I don’t know what we’re doing with each other.
May 20, 2013
I was getting a haircut and the barber said: "You have pretty hair man! The thin strands, the way it flows; I wish I had hair like yours! And that colour, shiny brown, darker here and there, and lighter towards the tips."
Then I looked at him in the mirror. He was an attractive man. Then I looked at myself. And I thought, why am I always so unaware of my own beauty?
May 27, 2013
This is the end of the first phase of my life in Istanbul.
It’s been one of the most unusual periods of my life. It was beautiful and painful.
There are lots of uncertainties ahead. Will I study again, and what? Will I even stay in Istanbul? Where will Ceren study? Will my novel be published? What kind of a process would that be? What else will I do? When will I write another novel again?
The short time between 2011-2013 has been deeply transformative for me. My life changed completely. I’m not afraid of changes. Sometimes I think maybe I’d die young. And sometimes I like the idea of living a loooong life. I guess I wish for the second one.
(Be careful what you wish for.)
Deep down I feel that everything will be ok. I feel curious and enthusiastic about where life will take me.
Anyway. I will sit by my grandma’s grave and read her something now.
Oh and two days later I become 21.
2008-2009. A.F. and I were only 16.
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