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January 21, 2014 - Ankara
G. and I went to Ankara with the 11:30 bus. Dad picked us up from the terminal. Mom made eggplant stew with rice, and a cake with crispy hazelnut rolls. I love their new home, feels cozy and snug. After dinner I gathered a few books, took them upstairs and read till late at night.
...Dad was on the computer. While we were chatting, he casually said,“It was a mistake what we did about the Bilkent issue...”
For the first time since 2010 he confessed remorse about it.
January 23
I got 6 new books before meeting A. We spent about 5 hours together. Mom and I watched a documentary in the evening.
January 24
I laid down next to mom on the bed and read for a few hours.
Tomorrow is the death anniversary of A.F.
January 25
After dinner, at night, I went to the kitchen to work on my novel under the cozy dim yellow light.
January 28, 2014 - Ankara
Mom gifted me a silver ring with bright red ruby. I met Pelin. She said being with me always gives her peace of mind.
Then I met S.C.; my dear friend and high-school literature teacher.
She said:
"It is so unusual for someone your age to be so prone to nostalgia."
She had a student-friend with her too. We had dinner together. She said she prefers speaking Turkish than Kurdish, because her expression is stronger in the former. We reminisced about our time together in high school, our mutual secrets, old friends, our grief, and our laughter too. I took some photos of her. She said “I was teaching about that specific poetry era just for Mayıs. I was looking at him, and he was looking at me. I couldn’t see anyone else in the classroom but him.” She said I was listening so attentively. “To listen by thoroughly entering into the subject at hand, to really hear what is being said. Very few listen to me that way. Perhaps just you and Moren." Then she asked her student-friend to share what he thinks about my gaze.
He said: “Mayıs looks at me and I immediately feel understood.”
January 30, 2014
In the evening I worked on the novel. I worked a lot. Slept late.
I cried at night, I felt so depressed. I felt so, so sad. I felt like disaster will strike. Like I will lose my loved ones. Like I will be treated unfairly. Like my life will be taken from me.
February 1, 2014 - Ankara
Pelin made a photo of us.
February, 2014 - Ordu
G. made a photo of me making a photo of my grandfather.
Then I made a photo of my grandfather introducing our hills to him.
February 7
After spending a few days in Samsun with G.'s family.
Walk of shame in the morning to the breakfast table. But her sweet mother passed me the pancakes and said “Here, my son.” and added, “How nice like this! Having two sons! My sons Mayıs and G.!”
We took the taxi my grandpa sent for us and met him in Perşembe. Grandpa treated us lunch and then he went to the dentist.
May 21, 2014 - Istanbul
J. told me about Nate, Nathaniel, the guy she liked when she was 20. He drowned in the ocean in Guatemala.
She then purchased a ticket to Berlin for herself with my credit card, and paid me back in cash.
23 July departure, 31 August return. She invited me to go with her. I'm doubting a bit, but I do feel a strong urge to go.
May 22, 2014 - Istanbul
I got a ticket to Berlin. Same dates with J., same flight. 23 July 2014, Wednesday, Sabiha Gökçen Airport, 12:50 to Berlin Tegel Airport with Turkish Airlines TK1729. Return is August 31st, Sunday, 15:45, TK1730.
G. didn't like it; I bought it before it's clear whether he can join or not. I tried to encourage him to come. The money will always come back!
We walked to my place at night.
At 2 am, I suddenly began to cry, feeling a premonition that I will lose him.
The way he calls my name, his love, his smile. Sometimes when I turn my head and look at him, I see that he’s already been watching me with adoration in his eyes. His soft lips, the way he kisses my face, caresses me everywhere with his magical hands. The way he gets shy when he makes a mistake while speaking.
I cried so much, felt like for hours. He hugged me. He ended up swallowing part of my crying snot.
So, what I felt in my throat today wasn’t an infection, it was apparently a cry I needed to let out.
23 May
G. also got a ticket to the same flight!
Ezgi was super excited to hear that we’ll head to Berlin. She invited us to the Amsterdam pride on August 2nd.
Today, out of nowhere, I somehow had an image of my grandmother playing with a doll as a kid.
24 May
For a moment today in front of the mirror I couldn’t recognise my face. It was unbelievable. I got away from the mirror terrified.
May 29, 2014 - Istanbul
On the morning I turned twenty-two, I woke to G. sneaking out of our bed to add his final touches to my surprise gift.
We tumbled down the stairs with big jumps, big smiles, I shouted for my neighbour Auntie Rukiye: We won’t be back till late! It’s my birthday!!!!
Tram to Kabataş, to the island ferry. We brought wine glasses but forgot the bottle opener. Then we sat shoulder to shoulder on the ferry’s floor, a shade of dark wood that I really like.
Two hours later, disembarking with the smell of sun lotion. Brunch at the cozy, simple restaurant with pickled bananas on the shelf.
We hiked to the island hills, into the forest.
Saw horses. Walked by the old monastery.
There were massive ants on the ground.
I sat on a stump with a stunning view.
He tied my eyes with his bandana. Then untied it.
On the ground, little papers with his handwriting said:
Heavens are generous to us.
The best hour of the day we wandered down winding roads alongside beautiful houses.
I imagined renting one for a summer. Inviting friends for strawberry lemonade in the garden.
Reading under linden shade. Falling asleep on his biceps.
Back on the shore he couldn’t find the ice-cream he craved, so he got another one.
I was throwing stones at the sea.
He said: Throw it like you throw all your resentments away.
As ferry time neared, we headed back to the pier. Massive crowd hurraaaaaa!
Ran past the gates with everyone else.
And on the ferry, watching the sea fall behind, I was already reminiscing about earlier.
The stump with the stunning view from the hilltop. Him next to me.
Closed my eyes. Felt as if I visited Farol do Arnel.
One day I will.
Back home we cuddled. I steamed veggies and rice.
There was a beautiful breeze in the evening.
In May, I know exactly how it smells here.
June 29, 2014 - Istanbul
Pride in Istanbul.
So many friends were there.
E. said my vibes were off today.
Anyway. Grandpa called in the evening. He liked Batumi, he found it green. He said he liked the walnut trees that were there since the Russian occupation.
June 30, 2014 - Istanbul
G. said: “I love you. It feels like you lived a thousand lifetimes until the age 22. How come you are so observant? You are my magical man.”
On my way to the supermarket I ran into my neighbor Professor A.D. and we talked about Mîna Urgan’s work, who was his teacher back in the day. She once failed him because he called Richard the Third narcissistic, and she thought it was a plagiarised idea.
He also said that he lost his father when he was 15.
That’s why he watched me and my father filled with emotions, on the day my father was helping me move here.
July 11, 2014 - Istanbul
My dad: “You’re traveling to Europe soon. Maybe you will have sexual intercourses. Let’s get some condoms here already so you can pack them in your luggage.”
July 15, 2014 - Istanbul
I bleached my hair, and G. gave me a haircut. I'm not entirely sure if I like this colour on me, but I feel like a different person, and I enjoy that at the moment. I don't think I'll keep this for long though as I'm sure I'll miss my darker hair. But it feels like an exterior manifestation of some changes happening in my life, so I just let it be.
July 17, 2014 - Istanbul
In Istanbul Modern I saw some of Semiha Berksoy’s paintings in real life. Finally!!!
July 22
Last day in Istanbul before Berlin. We found some people to host us there.
K. called last night. In September we have lots of projects to do together.
G. said he used to love rhyming words as a kid, and shared some that he still remembers.
He also said he sometimes imagines the future, in which we are no longer together, and I’m supposedly a famed artist, and he is asked about me in an interview. He then says: “I don’t want to say much, as he probably is with someone else now. But he will always be special to me.”
Ahh I love G.'s sweet eyes when he watches me. The fact that I even met him is proof to me that nothing is arbitrary in this universe.
Mom is excited for our trip.
I’m already curious about the Istanbul of my return, from September on, and about how this trip will change me or my life.
Tomorrow, 12:50, off to Berlin with J. and G.!
July 23, 2014
Berlin.
July 30
We said goodbye to Y. and J.
Went to hitchhike to Amsterdam.
We tried a bit by the station, and then by the road.
A big orange caravan stopped for G.
Five friends, German and Polish. M. and the other man are filmmakers. One of their films was shown at a festival in İzmir.
E. is very friendly and talkative. We talked for hours, made some photos. The car was comfortable. G. is half-asleep now. I think they’ll be able to take us until Hannover.
-Ah, they’re not German. Three of them are Swedish, two are Polish. They dropped us at Osnabrück.
July 31, 2014 - Amsterdam
Made photos of the Amsterdam pride. A man saw my Canon A1 and hit up a conversation. He used to have the same camera, and he now uses a Leica, but still has a few lenses for Canon that he doesn’t use anymore. His home was nearby, he wanted to gift the lenses to me. We agreed to meet back at 9 pm at the same place. He gave me two lenses, a 24mm and a 35-105mm.
August 2, 2014 - Amsterdam
Oh my god. G. had the worst bad trip with the space cake. It hit us at the same time, but he panicked so bad that I had to sober up immediately to take care of him. I wanted to go grab water, but he said he would go crazy if I left him alone. Poor G. he was so scared. And his bad trip lasted one and a half days. He was like a helium balloon in my hand just following me wherever I go.
Anyway. We got a jockstrap for me and he constantly asks me to wear it.
August 3, 2014 - Amsterdam
G. left to Germany.
I began my solitary exploration of Amsterdam.
Walked around Rembrandtplein. There were still events from the Pride week. At the HIV+ booth I met Jan, we talked about Turkish politics and Istanbul. We hugged goodbye.
I was feeling so good. The weather was amazing. I told myself, I want to get lost and find something brilliant.
Then I found myself at Spuimarkt, at the booth of an artist. She had absolutely beautiful work. I asked her if she is the artist.
That’s how I met E.
We talked a bit about Turkey, and her daughters who study art and psychology. It felt like we were friends in an instant, like a past life thing. She even proposed to find me a place to stay in the city. While talking to her I noticed two people speaking in Turkish next to me, they were looking at her works too. I said something to them in Turkish, and when they turned to me, they said my name in shock! It was crazy to run into Eser in Amsterdam. E. was very surprised to witness that moment too. Eser’s boyfriend bought a work from E. I wanted to buy three postcards, but she gifted them to me. We exchanged contacts and I left.
I bought a can of Heineken and sat by the canal. On the way back home in a random alleyway I heard a violin play from one of the windows, so I stood there listening for half an hour until it stopped.
August 4
The artist I met yesterday, E., emailed me: “I would really like to photograph you in one of my photoseries. I am impressed by your ‘radiation’; describe it as; the light you give to your environment. Your hair has turned white by it!”
August 5, 2014 - Amsterdam
Edyta invited me to a dinner at Michal’s brother’s place. When I went to AH to get a bottle of wine to bring, I ran into them! I joined them on Ezgi’s bike and we went to the dinner party together. I met Michal’s brother and his girlfriend Ginta who studied at the art school in Amsterdam. Ginta was insistent that this Gerrit Rietveld Academie is really something for me, that I should come and study Audiovisual studies there. There was also Ursula, and a sculptor man too. Edyta and I had lovely conversations. At the end of the night everyone was so drunk. When I wanted to leave, a Swedish man asked to say goodbye to me outside. I struggled with unlocking the chain of Ezgi's bike, he tried to help me but it didn't work. So we sat miserably on the ground in the street and began laughing.
September 29, 2014 - Istanbul
M. and E. invited me to Christmas at their home in the Netherlands.
November 26
I wore boots for the first time this winter. And my mind is busy expanding the story of the novel.
November 28
It was on Tuesday or Monday, G. told me my gaze is not like a human gaze.
November 29
Uncle called; Simay had improved grades since our last tutoring, so he wants me to tutor her again.
Grandpa sent money.
G. put on an album of Sezen Aksu. The entire duration of the song Adı Bende Saklı we embraced and danced in the living room. For the next song some improv dance. He then studied physics, and I read a bit.
November 30, 2014 - Istanbul
Back in October made a few pics of Z. at my place.
Christmas 2014 - Steenderen
I'm at E. and her family's beautiful home in Steenderen, Netherlands. I sleep in the little wooden room S. built on the upper floor. We have delicious food in their cozy kitchen, take walks, E. shows me her print techniques, also the way she makes papers, and even making objects from felt. The landscape is gorgeous, and we share stories and poems. We also went with E. to the market in Amsterdam where she sells her work. I love it when she plays the piano and I can look around and notice all the little details of their life here. Their children are so kind too. I feel grateful for this friendship, in which I feel recognised, seen. Will never forget how generous they are to me, and how they treat me like family.
Goodbye 2014, Istanbul
Ganesha on my wall;
I offered a bowl of jam just yesterday.
And there it is on my books:
May ‘68, Butler, History of Black Theater in the US.
And on my heirloom piano too.
There I am; twenty-one, reading and thinking
Fairy lights and polaroids
Of my high school literature teacher
Of me on the Galata bridge, of a friend, of Mapplethorpe
And there he is; wearing my t-shirt
That says Life’s short, talk fast
Wearing our coin necklace
Wearing his boxers that I want to take off
With my teeth
Wearing a face that I came to love
Looking at me at the threshold.
And the house
The house is the only observer
That will look both sides one day
And find neither of us there.
The house
Will look outside my bedroom window
Quietly
Hoping for a creak
A rattle of keys
Our giggle behind the front door.
The house
quietly
wondering
if we’re
still together
somewhere
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