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February 7, 2015 - Istanbul
...Grandpa called in the evening, he said he is doing well.
February 16
G. really craves baklava these days.
February 17
It’s snowing a lot! After exercising I went to Karaköy. The city was so white, and everything slowed down, including the cars. Went up the tunnel and met G. in front of Arter. In one of the connecting streets to İstiklal people were sliding on snow with plastic bags.
February 18
Snow really paused life here. Johanna and I went to Sultanahmet to take some photos. I showed her the Gülhane park. In Helvetia by the pretty window we had lunch. Walking down the streets my legs were freezing, and we were dreaming of a roaring fireplace. We shared chocolate fondue.
February 20, 2015 - Istanbul
G. and I went to his university to ask about his registration. He was hoping that it would be his last time in that campus, and he touched some snow. The excuses he prepared before his meeting with the secretary sounded soooo funny.
Also last night, when he got a call, the way he cleared his throat before picking up, but still saying “Hello” with a very nasal/coarse voice cracked me up.
February 23
Vernissage of my first exhibition in Istanbul. E. came from the Netherlands for this.
March 3, 2015 - Istanbul
Johanna said: “I’m so happy I moved in with you. That’s what I believe that could be destiny. What’s meant to be.”
April 11
Johanna and I went to queer vegan anarchist festival. There was a jazz band. I bought a work from an artist.
May 3, 2015 - Istanbul
G. said: “You are special. Think about it, think about yourself. It is precisely because you are so special, that you are unable to live like the others. Your life is very special and so are you. I love your life and your character. I am so in love with you.”
May 5
Grandpa and I talked for 28 minutes, was so much fun. He criticised what he finds to be a boring life that most people seem to lead. He eats well these days and counts his steps; he says "At least 5K steps a day!"
He wants to have a talk with my parents about my desire to go to art school.
May 18
I applied to the Gerrit Rietveld Academie.
June 1
Rietveld liked my portfolio.
I told my vocals teacher Gülsün about my doubts.
I asked her: Would you have stayed here in Istanbul if you were in love?
She told me to go. "Go to the thing that will feed your soul. I’m not talking about money. Think about why you came to this earth. Cry at the airport if you must, but go. And cry after the passport check."
I teared up, and said "But he will stay here without me."
She said: "And you will stay without him there. Why do you care for him more than you do for yourself?"
June 4
G. and I took a walk at the park near my place.
I don’t like it when people stand and watch others having a fight in public.
June 9
Watch out for the words that come into your life alongside new people.
June 10
I was accepted to Rietveld. Was so excited before the online meeting with them.
Grandpa said he asked a fortune teller about me. She said: "He is preparing to go abroad right now. But he is grieving because he will be parting with his lover. But tell him it will be okay.”
I asked grandpa if he would leave if he was in my place. He said:
"I believe in love. But there is also your future. You can create your future and share it with him. If it is true love, it will endure the distance. And the world is smaller now; you have telephones, planes, the internet. You’ll need to be understanding with each other. It is definitely, absolutely sad; I’ve been in many relationships, so I know heartbreak. But you have to do this for your future.”
September 2015, Amsterdam
I moved to Amsterdam. G. came with me to help me carry my belongings, to get me some first furniture, and to help me adapt to this new life.
February 5, 2016 - Amsterdam
I met P. a few months ago and we've been spending almost all our time together since then. He is a genius composer and knows so much about astrology too.
He makes eggs with salmon for me.
February 29, 2016 - Amsterdam
It's been six months since I moved to the Netherlands.
Everything changed of course, and keeps changing.
I might try selling some drawings and prints at the same art market as E.
February gets a 29th day this year, so I went to a photobooth nearby Albert Cuyp Markt.
March 2016 - Amsterdam
I met J.
We have irresistable chemistry. I find him beautiful, I really like his eyes and the way he gazes. He's intelligent with a very active and curious mind, he reads a lot, which I love, he helps me discover new writers even, and he is a little bit mischievous too.
But sometimes our characters clash.
I still like him a lot and love spending time with him in his room.
June 2016 - Amsterdam
When I made this mirror photo at Rebecca's kitchen, I wasn't aware that I'd be operated at the hospital the same evening for appendicitis.
October 2016 - Amsterdam
I sometimes feel I'm in a haze from how much my life has changed within a year.
It all happened so fast. But it's such a fast stream that I can't even catch a moment to float on my back and reflect a bit.
April 2017 - Tenerife
J. took me to Tenerife.
It's warm and humid, but it's all good vibes.
Food is nice, so is the sea. The bus ride to our airbnb was lovely.
I like how J. is often quicker than I am with arranging things, figuring them out, taking action. It's rare; usually I am always the quickest among everyone I know.
I also see a tender and caring side of him during this trip. Especially with the way he tended to the blister on my foot.
He is patient and attentive these days. He is being sweet, I really appreciate it.
He is also so playful and funny.
I loved the evening when we sat looking over the view with some snacks and drinks.
And number 22 still follows me everywhere.
May 2017 - Amsterdam
I have the bad habit of finishing a bottle of wine before heading to parties at Alizé's. It makes no sense, I don't know why I do that.
December 2017 - Amsterdam
A lot happened that I don't want to discuss or think of in the past two years. Things I can only revisit in hindsight, and I give it a few years or perhaps a decade. But also beautiful things too. Anyway. J. is reading Edward Said/orientalism and learning Turkish. I feel like he is searching for ways to relate to me better, although we don't really discuss it that much. But sometimes we do clash, and then it can be intense. We visited the hunebed and his family home. We also went to Limburg together. And Johanna came, together we went to Cologne.
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